self-reflection

Hi devoted and wonderful followers,

I’m back! As you may or may not have noticed, I’ve been taking a little break from recipes and blogging after all of my cookbook shenanigans, to give myself time to regroup and refresh. Also the holidays have been consuming a lot of my energy.

As we come upon the new year, I’m beginning to feel reflective about where I’m at with my recovery journey. I’ve found myself surprisingly uninspired and uninterested in food in the past week, maybe because I was coming out of a week and a half of stomach flu.

I also went into my two-week holiday break and vacation without much of an intention or plan for my food. I gave myself permission to eat practically and mindfully, to stick to a one-plate rule, and to not worry too much about my quantities. I also found myself disconnected from the mothership. At first, this felt a little bit freeing. I relaxed into my food. I didn’t get into any sugar or flour or anything, but I let my meals and quantities lines be flexible. I decided to just not worry about it.

Two weeks in, I’m aware that my mental chatter is becoming very loud and taking up way too much of my brain space. I’m finding myself playing all kinds of food games in my head, swapping food categories, justifying deviations, allowing bites of NMF, worrying about weight gain, and just being generally sloppy, lazy, and anxious about food. My relaxed attitude really was working fine for me for about a week, but as always happens, in a moment of clarity, I realized that I had strayed too far and lost my peace and freedom.

It’s so interesting to me that a few weeks ago I loosened my bright lines to gain a little more freedom, and now I want to tighten my bright lines because now I also need more freedom. I suppose they are different kinds of freedom. There’s a sweet spot in the middle where I love to be, where I am able to live truly happy, thin, and free. The perfect place where I don’t feel deprived, and I feel safely held by my boundaries.

I think that the dance of maintenance for me is about gradually circling between these two kinds of freedom. I loosen things up if I start to feel deprived, and I tighten things up when I start to feel out of control. It really feels like a natural, predictable ebb and flow.

And the thing that I am learning to trust is the process of going through these cycles, and knowing that when I cross that line, I haven’t failed, and there is no emergency or disaster. It means it’s time to simply resume.

Losing my peace is a signal. It’s a gift. It’s an invitation to open up my toolbox, regroup, and recommit. It’s not a crisis.

So here I am, recommitted to 3 perfect, weighed and measured bright meals tomorrow. I’ve got all my buddies on standby for my commitments bookends, several new recipes drafted and ready to make tomorrow (because nothing keeps me more accountable than sharing my food with you!) and that feeling of sweet surrender.

It makes me feel such peace to know that when I realize I’ve strayed too far from my bright lines, I have the roadmap to regain that peace. I have the tools and support I need. It doesn’t have to be a big deal.

I can’t believe how much I am looking forward to my 3 super clean, simple, bright meals tomorrow, because I know how good I feel when I honor my bright lines. They serve me so well, and it almost feels good to get a little off track sometimes, so that I can be reminded of that.

Thank you readers for holding this space for me, and letting me use this forum to support my own journey.

How were your holidays? What have been your challenges in keeping your lines bright and your commitments strong? What did you learn?

Stay tuned for a big new wave of lovely recipes, coming soon! ❤